It’s almost terrifying, petrifying, but no more procrastinating again.It will get done today. And EVERY day. When it hurts, and it should, that is when the transformation is happening. Find inspiration and look in the mirror. So many reasons. PT, girls, clothes, work, December, energy, self-love. Be proof that anything is possible. Love it or faith it until I really do, and everything else will follow. See you in one week on this 8 week journey.
Looking at him, I know my life is, and always will be with him. I know I’m definitely growing old with him, waking up every morning to the same familiar eyes and warm body. I know I’m always going to be driving to places with him next to me, and watching movies late at night (yes, even the lamest ones that I’ll make me groan about everything about it – just so I can spend time with him) with my head on his lap or his on mine. I know I’ll always walk him to the door to kiss him and hug him tight and tell him I love him and to be safe every. single. day. I know I’m going to be planning vacations and travel the world with him. I know someday, he’s going to make me run that half marathon. I know he’ll always be rock, my safety, the one real and constant anchor in my life. I know all this in the silences of being together, the sudden or gradual moments of passion, the loud arguments and small irritating annoyances, the making up after, the teasing and laughter and playfulness, the shared experience of raising our girls. Most of all, I know this in the surety of knowing that he is now, always has been and always will be the one for me.
Where does time go? Last I wrote, it was the beginning of the school year, now it’s the end. I do hope I don’t get emotional this year-just because it’s my last here in Las Pinas. I’m going to miss my entire class, from the very first ones who were with me the entire year, to the new ones that have just started with me for a few months or weeks. It really has been worlds apart from 2011’s class. This year has certainly been more play-based, and with a wider age range (2-5), each one with different learning styles, so classroom management has been a challenge for a class of 11-12 students.
Solution? Summer workshop. I wasn’t initially planning to do one because preparation and advertising costs time and money, but I want to focus on age groups and catching up on the developmental expectations for their age group. Two weeks of straight classes. It’s going to be a tight schedule and requires complete focus for me to do what I need to do with them, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I really do want to make a difference in these children’s early education, and I hope that they’ll always remember me. Sometimes, I feel like I act too much of a mom in class, as evidenced by the fact that a few students have accidentally called me “mommy” instead of “Teacher Rg”. Which makes my heart smile, but I’m wondering if I’m playing my role right? I’m happy that I’m approachable enough to get hugs, and high-fives, and random sitting on my lap moments, and for me, that’s what makes a good teacher. Also, the disapproving looks, strict “NO’s”, long sermons on classroom rules, apology policy, and no tolerance for “can’t”, whining, and crying. It’s a big world out there, they can learn to be brave and independent starting in my classroom-even when it’s not always the case when they get home. And that’s why everyday, I have to remind them of this. Oh, this is going to be in my end of the year speech! Parent cooperation with teachers. Advice to parents. Advice to students. Farewell song. I am so going to cry.
I want to be more. So much more. Where is this everything that I can be? Do I really need to dig that deep to find it again? Watching Burlesque at 2:30 am, for the nth time. Inspires and motivates me enough that I’m about to do my pilates abs at this inane hour. Tomorrow will be better. Yesterday has passed. Right now, today I take the challenge. I’m different, I’ve always been. I won’t lose faith in my beliefs. Hold it. Raise the curtain. I need tough love. Go beyond. Dream. Surprise. Cry if you must, because you are the storm before the calm, the once improbable made possible. Who knew? I did. I always did.
Me: Where’s my notebook?
Aiyana: It’s in the cart. Maybe under all the stuff.
Me: (After searching under and inside everything.) It’s not here. Where did my notebook go??
Anya: Maybe it walked away, Mommy.
Aiyana: Look! They are KRUBSY.
Anya: No, FLUFFY.
Aiyana: No, Krubsy. Fluffy means they have hair on their feet. Krubsy means……..they’re like that.
Anya: (no comment)
Aiyana: WE’RE fluffy. See? Our hair isn’t fixed up yet.
Mornings can be challenging when every person’s mood is different. My 5-year old has the biggest smiles and is so excited for her day. My 3 year old wakes up with tears, a frown, whining and the whole world on her shoulders. I will never be able to understand why these two are on opposite ends of pretty much everything. It’s not easy to feel relaxed and starting out my day the way I want it to when I’ve got a screaming three year old in the room, or I’m already declaring time outs outside the door, or about to get myself a glass of wine instead of coffee. I know it’s a phase. But, oh my. Do I really have to go through this? Maybe I need a little more patience. I need a little bit more of everything, to tell you the truth, but we’ll get to that later. Right now, I’m riding the waves of her continuous crying, the rain cloud to this morning of sunshine.
I’m not a superstitious person. Not completely. There are things I believe in and there are things I am ignorant about so I honestly wouldn’t know what to make of them. Signs. I believe in signs. And intuition. Especially a woman’s intuition. Never ignore that, if nothing else. Spells. Are just focused energy for a specific purpose. But I do truly believe in the power of the mind and guidance of the heart. These two should always be on the same journey together, the same path, the same destination.
Why am I talking about this? It’s completely far from what’s exactly on my mind. But then again, all this talk could lead to the subject of faith and how everyone has their own interpretation of it. They think it’s about believing and holding on to a particular outcome. But faith, absolute faith, requires believing and letting go. Trusting the universe or whatever power you place your faith into. Everything has been written. There is a time and place for everything, and a reason for everything that happens.
Today is the Visa appointment. And my CSS feedback. We’ll see how it goes. Thank you for everything today, for Paolo being so patient and understanding, for my children being healthy, for my mom who is always here, for my dad that I can always count on to do all the handyman work, Ate Carmen who is just all around, and my students that made the last day of school fun and memorable. I believe we create our own lives based on what’s going on inside of us. Today, focus on the small things, and the big things will appear.